Everything but Nothing

2007-07-03T23:43:00.000+08:00

The thing is...
After a fight or any major dispute between 2 close friends, its like a ritual to meet up physically to ensure that both parties are sincere about still being friends.

well, the problem is that on monday, what i was really angry was at that meeting being cancelled. and when i offered an alternative, well i didnt receive an answer at all. even if i did, i felt like it was pting to 'nah i don't wanna meet' direction.

I don't know whether it sounds like an unreasonable request. but what i really wanted was to just see you lo.

I know i have been very unreasonable... Very mean with the way i say things to you. perhaps if i still have another chance, i will filter out some thoughts to be spoken at all...

Honestly... i haven't been a very good friend as of late... with what landed on our relationship. ya...
I have become very pessimistic. Paranoid. Unappreciative.
All in all, I am starting to suck.

sorry dear... somehow sorry doesnt really cut it anymore. no matter how i try, no matter how i want to.

Maybe its my fault for not being able to lie at such a crucial moment...

Sorry... theres nothing more i can say...
How i wish i could offer more...

This is my final entry...
good bye.

2007-07-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

...
I think...
Fuck...
What kind of thoughts are these?
Animosity fills the soul.

i lost the ability to see whats gonna happen...
my sight is so clouded by torrent doubt and distrust...

someone juz save me la...

try try try n try.

2007-07-03T21:47:00.000+08:00

I'm trying...
I don't know how else can i say it.
I'm trying...
Really I am...

=(

2007-07-03T19:34:00.000+08:00

I'm becomin a jerk. someone stop me. i m pushing someone i hold dear.
shit.
what izzit tat i want.
so depressing my tgt are.
oh dear

Worst of Times.

2007-07-02T18:25:00.000+08:00

Apparently, i aint allowed to stay happy for too long. I cant be allowed to smile for more than a month. if not, i would probably be struck down by a series of suay events.

Right now, i got nothing but sadness and frustration.
The worst is that its affected the people around me.

I am seriously losing myself. No matter what I try, I cannot seem to stay me for a long period of time.

I guess somewhere sometime i committed something so bad that I will be constantly plagued by people who disappoint me. As of now, I don't know what is more saddening; my life or the people i know.

Or maybe its because i expect too much out of people. well, i guess thats the only conclusion i can form.

I remember a good friend once telling me, "When it comes to real friends, we don't count the favors we give each from time to time. Because the minute we do, we lose sight of that friend and think of him or her as someone who is in debt to you."

Gosh. I have to relearn this lesson.
In the end, I don't think I'm a good friend at all.
I flare my temper when i don't feel good.
I take my anger on my friends.
Oh dear.

Fuck. I need a revamp.

indeed it is.

2007-06-30T23:04:00.001+08:00

Oh man... I feel like such a jerk.
haish.

Don't feel like explaining.

Changes Changes

2007-06-30T02:12:00.000+08:00

Oh dear~ I blundered big time.
usually, when faced with such a question, one would just lie~
but no~~ I didn't keep my cool.

Sigh* i blundered. Thats the bottom line.

Right. Now for the future.
I fear losing what I hold dearest.
I really don't what things to change. well at least not yet.
But past experiences tells me it will.
Better or Worst. I don't know.
I only wish that you stay by my side.

Sigh*
Don't want things to change but it will.
Please don't change.

Why do I feel like I've already lost you.
:(

Stepping Out. Or not?

2007-06-26T17:10:00.000+08:00

Well. Aiyo~ wat a situation.

Have you ever had this scenerio?

U love her too much to tell her u like her becoz ure afraid tat u may spoil the relationship?

lol tats wat im feeling now la.

Izzit a lousy excuse? even though i noe its not pted directly at me~
haish.

Feel like stepping out. should i or should i not?

oh dear.

Attack of the long hair ladies!

2007-06-20T21:18:00.000+08:00

After goin to sch to complete the presentation for comm skills,
went to meet yj hl n gj for sushi~
buffet one~ tired of paying 1 plate for 2 bucks
anw, after a veri filling dinner, went to walk ard far east.
after tat, went home on 132

On the bus, i was 'attacked' by 2 long hair ladies.
the bus was a double decker, not veri crowded but all the seats were taken. so stood ard the allocated area. i took a corner wif a lady in pink sitting beside where i was standing.

heres the sian part, she was slping. her head bobbled ard freely.
its ok if ur head bobbles due to the motion of the bus.
but tat toot hit me several times on my arm.
Finally but unfortunately, she put her head on my arm la!
ZZZZ
u noe if shes chio, u wun mind but shes butt ulgy! ARGH!
I elbowed her awake~ i noe its abit mean but it was so dam uncomfortable wif my lappy and all.

Den dis long hair girl stood in front of me. it would be ok on normal conditions but no~~~ she had to swing her head left n right. Her hair flew~ n started to swipe me. ZZZZ. at times it was ticklish. Others it was juz pain!

I bth. den let juz go of the handle. unintentionally, it hit her~
wahaha. abit of pay back.
woo~

okok

tats enugh reporting.
right off now
byez~

Well the usual

2007-06-16T20:38:00.000+08:00

Right. Today went to study CTs coming n all.

but i cant help tinking of my position.
yes i am sitting.

wat i mean is where i stand in her eyes.
6 months~ hmmmmm so wats up about it?
ever since my latest incident, i told myself that b4 u go rushing into telling anyone u like her. well take a step back n see wat she reli is. well i tink i sounded kinda mean but u get my pt.

I guess~ every case is different n needs to be care accordingly~

well tats all

Rhythmless~

2007-06-15T22:06:00.000+08:00

Well. I guess the onli time i come back to blog is when i have something to rant about.
Right.

Hmmmmm i guess i feel abit awkward now.
Cant say tat i m not trying anything.
well, as far as i can tell, i am alredi trying my best.
lol the onli now i ponder over is wat m i trying my best for?
Reli~ i wanna let her noe but i juz feel tat its too premature to juz go off n say 'i love you~ be my gf~'
...

ok tat sounded weird ba. But in a way, i always wanted to tell her dis line... juz not tat bluntly la.

So the qxn to myself is wat m i reli trying to achieve doin all tat hu-ha~

Sometimes i feel tat i am over-calculating.
Yet sometimes i feel tat i m being veri insensitive to her.

Wat a lousy situation.
Supposely dis girl of my dreams is so hard to achieve. or at least i am trying to obtain of her. From what i feel, shes looking for a totally diff kind of guy.
not dis goof ball hu cannot be bothered wif life and what it can offer.

Shesh~ what high self esteem~ i juz lost mine~

Oh dear~

2007-06-11T00:56:00.001+08:00

I NOE ITS BEEN A LOOOONNNNNGGG TIME SINCE I BLOGGED!
GOMEN!

anw the reason being... well juz didnt bother to pick up my keyboard n start typing.
oso i have been ge-ing alot lately~

right lets recap for the past almost 1 mth of not blogging.

Tat bitch~ well from what i can tell. i duno whether to scoff at her actions or juz laugh into oblivion~ simply becoz the money is like 1 yr old liao~ dam lol la~ yet worth piff-ing at. hmmm maybe its juz my pure resentment of her or juz tat i find it verrrrriiii petty to suddenly ask for money which has long due.

next, after writing tat long report~ i got tricked by someone~ so much so tat i i had to redraft it at the 11th hour. oh boy~ i practically rushed thru the nite. hmmm i was tinking wat my bro say was right la~ shalt believe watever i hear from now on even it is from a reliable source and all~

well, tats all i can recount for now lo. hmmmm cant say its been an uneventful week or anything... but it was oso eventful at the same time~

now the qxn to myself is: m i rdy? is she rdy? r we rdy? n no dis aint leading to no barney song eh.

i guess only time will tell ba.

right~ since its the study break(Holidays). its time to start pia-ing lo~ dis yr can say becoz of my slacker att towards certain subs and the way loathe a certain cher... shesh~ i got alot to catch up lo! sian leh~

right right what muz be done have to be done.

well i guess tat accounts for everything~

bye~

Roller Coaster: The Falling Part.

2007-05-16T19:08:00.000+08:00

U noe~ lifes like a roller coaster.
When its all the way up u feel high~
When its goes down it reallly goes down.

Currently, i'm falling~ like a bottomless pit
one bad ting after another
First, Something happened. i tgt tat it wun affect alot but den after awhile, i juz sank t.o the bottom~ haish. timing was ard lunch time la.
den after lunch, did comm skills proj.
folo by wss...
my circuit didnt work... zzz...
as if tat wasnt enugh. it was my unfortunate-ness to see tat biatch when i was goin home. how i wish i brutal-ed her the day tat happened. its been so long but den i still feel pain when i see ur face. u remind me of nothing but shit.

maybe its juz me. after all the bad tings tat have been happening, i juz dun feel like wat i used to be la~

watever.

2007-05-12T23:31:00.000+08:00

i guess everyone noes wat it is like to fight wif ur parents.
well after today i wun look at them the same.

my dad was so angry tat he actually wanted to kill me. i noe some of us have faced our parents goin violent.
but today was the longest in awhile.
i was sittin dere, waiting to be tok it out like adults, as they always say. But instead, i was tgt to be throwing a fit. tats y my dad raised his fist at me.
Even though he didnt actually hit me but it feel like a building juz came me like a cannon ball.

to guys n gals out dere hu actually tok a few min out of their bz schedules juz to listen to me. i sincerely thank u all.

im ok as long as i have u guys =)

Once more. I am haunted.

2007-05-03T23:11:00.000+08:00

Well. Dis is something i have to bear the pain all dis while.
its been wat? 3 yrs. N still your ghost comes back to haunt me time n time again.

haish. I have no choice. Actually i do have a choice. But seeming the result of it would be gd, i dun have no choice.

Juz once more.

Isint tat wat i told myself the last time...

Sat ting.

2007-04-28T23:55:00.000+08:00

Today hor.
No comment leh.
Dun wanna comment.
lets juz say its an ok day.
alright nitez guys

Happy Bdae Bro.

Ard Spore in less than 1 day XD

2007-04-21T22:31:00.000+08:00

today went many places.
ok lets start in the morning
went to the office to collect pay. a pathetic 23 bucks
still give check. aiya. haha

afterwards, went to toa payoh to makan. Went to the food court to eat.
den walked ard wif hl n june. den june left to work. yx joined us
den we headed for turf city

My last recall of turf city was some place interesting but den it was reli boring la
walk onli 1 stretch of shops den nth liao. dam sian lo
after a quik visit to giant, den headed to amk.
i guess one gd ting about goin to turf city tat it was FREE.
shuttle bus ma. so free. somemore the amk bus is soooo nice to sit on. XD
machiam on coach tat kind of feeling.

ok cont to west mall.
sadly veri sadly. tat was my first time in west mall. ... no one suan me plz.
woah not bad leh.
den after window shopping for awhile, ate sakae.
yx can eat. other than tat, no comment

den went to yishun, tried to catch a movie but the shows were too late so came home lo.

agar la. went from left to right of sg lo.
lol.
alright nitez~

hmmm again?

2007-04-19T23:03:00.000+08:00

its been a long since i wanna go back to dis topic.
in my mind its been awhile liao.
hmmmm

i realised i dont wanna be forgiven.
i dun tink i need to be forgiven
becoz it isnit my fault.
basically, i m juz feeling dumb for doin all of tat
it was quite some time ago
becoz of u, i felt miserable.
now i dun.

keeping looking forward
something i learn from a kuku disney show haha.
ya~ u hope i dun get pinned down again by U.
no not U. you.
XP

Today ar.

2007-04-17T23:13:00.000+08:00

alright today hor rant fest. lets hear it.

1.
ZZZ-ish 10 to 9. I practically slept during the lessons.
so tiring lo. zzz.

2.
some bitch gave me a hard stare when i did something clumsy~
ya dis bitch hor for watever reason juz gave me a hard stare. i alredi clean my hands off yet dis kind of ting still makes me angry lo. but still probably becoz of the mood den. tired n worn out. ya well i decided to let dis go.

3.
nite cls cher toks veri veri slowly. was practically disturbing the ppl ard me for entertainment.

today was rushed to sch, i bascially started out badly la.

tmd. :D

Friday the 13th

2007-04-13T23:33:00.000+08:00

Today is really friday the 13th
Suay in almost every way possible!

WTF no1:
First went to funan to repair ADA
STUPID REPAIRS
STUPID WARRANTY DOESNT COVER MY CASING!
The stupid counter lady can tell me so calmly:
Oh u wan to replace ur palm rest too?
it will cost u 150 bucks more.
Total it will cost you 300 dollars without GST.
ZZZZ NVM I PAY! U STUPID FUJITSU TOOT
ok nvm~

WTF no2:
Tgt that someone's bdae *Ahem N Ahem U Ahem t Ahem* was coming near den decided to buy her a present.
Den spent 2 hours looking for present den decided to buy her a ladies' handbag
the problem is neither me n yx were ladies~
The shopkeeper (MALE) told me its ok for guys to try on bags for estimation.
ok la since its a guy, so muz trust him la. den the worst ting was tat my shopping partner was abit indecisive. i do not blame him since it was difficult to choose for someone as complicated as dis person not easy to choose present ma.
i ended up trying out 10+ bags.
ZZZZ the malu-ness wif all the za bors staring at me.
heng the shopkeeper was quite nice la. help us out here n dere.
after 30 min, we came to a decision. the bag wasnt cheap either.
after the malu-ness, finally finally went out of the shop.

WTF no3:
Went ard looking for a new tee, ZZZZZ
cannot find. Wat a lousy day! !@#$
Pocket burn at least i get something gd at the end rite!
ZZZZ

WTF no4:
came home. On msn. Chatted wif 'bdae girl'
END UP HER BDAE NOT IN APRIL!!! !@#$ OFMG!
At tat pt, i didnt noe whther to laugh or cry. the feeling was dam twisted!
haha lol~

In conclusion:
Friday the 13th is REAL! VERI REAL!

OG DAY 1.

2007-04-10T19:34:00.000+08:00

Woah. today super tiring but at the end of it, i was left SMILING. WAHAHA.

WAHAHA

SOMETHING SOME TRIGGERED FROM MY HAPPY-NESS

HAHA DUN CARE WAT JUZ HAPPI!

Wahaha haha?

2007-04-03T23:47:00.000+08:00

haha taking a side job on a part time job. interesting eh.
wahaha!
Did some other business while at BB today.
haha.

Uh tired but alive.

Nitez

Everything N Anything Nonsense.

2007-04-01T23:22:00.000+08:00

Somehow.
Somewhere.
Sometime.

I dun understand.
When i sat n started thinking, i realise how miserable life can be. yet at the same time, i did not forget to count my blessing. rather then thinking i feel happi. something inside me is still unsatisfied. Currently, i see no fault in my life.
But still i have been left thinking.

Thinking.
Is.
Over.
Rated.

Stupid.

2007-04-01T12:45:00.000+08:00

Haish.

Should have taken the otah
Instead of the beer.

ZZZ not feeling veri well.

Back to the sack.

Cls Outing.

2007-03-31T23:18:00.000+08:00

Today. Class Outing.
Uh waited for bert at the bus stop
den intercepted the rest.
den on the way, got hiccup in directions. HAHA.

ITS NOT MY FAULT!

den finally reach the ulu ulu BBQ pit.

uh. burned my finger while trying to start the fire. -.-
Wind was horrible. After a few secs, the fire starter flame gone.
-.-

den at last, managed to start a fire la.

uh makan abit here abit dere.

Drink quite abit of beer.

Again. Felt abit pissed when goin home. Dam !@#$
uh watever la.
No pt being angry over it.

The feeling.

2007-03-28T06:11:00.000+08:00

Y do i get the feeling tat i would not be alive after orientation.

Geesh.

haha.

My first sick in like 3 yrs? woah rite.
yeap.
Feeling achy all over. haish. wat to do.

Sometimes. Somewheres.

2007-03-23T18:59:00.000+08:00

In a way, i can nvr express my true feelings.
Its like so close yet so far~

Well. Life's like tat. i guess i will juz have to wait it out.
Though i havent done it in a long time.
And its not something i am proud of.
geesh. dis sux la. I didnt want to do it la. Unintentional.
Haish.

Dreaming in reality. I had a wonderful dream
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
FEELING SO HIGH~ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

Yes Yes!P

2007-03-21T12:03:00.000+08:00

I FINALLY GOT MY PSP! WAHAHA!
SO FUN!

Woke up at 10. den quikly unplug my psp n started playing. haha.
so cool~

Work again!

2007-03-18T22:12:00.000+08:00

Tiring.
Its like... DTD SUX!
MY GOSH!
my legs cannot move at one pt.

Dis shows how weak i am.
Muz train somemore. Napfa coming soon. can feel it in my aching legs~
Dis term 'do or die' came into my mind. haha.

I heard one veri... 'fierce' quote today~
"It is not enugh for me to be juz successful. Everyone else muz fail"
wahaha~ dis kind of selfish quote is like~ sooooo selfish. but i like the way she said it~

Door to Door Sux (officially)

2007-03-17T23:44:00.000+08:00

I declare: without any doubt.
Door to door jobs sux.
Reli it does.

Run ard till ur feet start to hurt.
den pay is near 0.
its quite stupid eh.

haish. tml jurong east again! sure die one!
zzz. morning somemore. oh well...

its a job. do it.

Work~

2007-03-15T22:13:00.000+08:00

Waaaaa....
Achy body.
4 hours onli n i am so tired.
haish.
Went to hougang without noeing wat to do.
den ltr, i juz picked an exit n started giving out flyers.
The ppl were ok, seeming tat u juz give people the flyers without saying anything.
welll, tats not exactly true. I counted(agar) 2000 thx, in return, i gave out 1000 flyers.
In conclusion, 2 thx = 1 flyer out XD
Anw, didnt noe hougang got sooo many smokers! so diff to avoid them n do my job. zzz
y wun mrt let me hand out flyers inside... so much cooler n easier lo
haha.

anw.
i gathered 4 mainstream kinda reactions
1.They take ur flyer.
2.They smile, pretend to take ur flyer den juz walk off
3.completely ignore u
4.shake their heads at u like they r disappointed in u.

anw, overall, i tinks its a simple job la. quite worth the money.

Thinking N Thinking.

2007-03-15T09:44:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i wonder.
R they frens?
Or somehow i offended them in a silly way.
haish.
Weird eh.

Maybe becoz i doubt too much.
Sure~ Everyone will meet bitches.
Sure~ Everyone will meet bastards.
Some juz meet more than others.
So much so that your life gets turn reli screwy.
So my qxn is hu r your real frens?
Something i ask myself for a long time liao.
At what pt do u consider him/her a real friend?

I juz felt tat i should have settled dis a long time ago...

Hmmm...

2007-03-15T00:39:00.000+08:00

Hmmm. Been watching dis anime for some time.
Well. My tgts:
first 12 epi dam boring.
Now quite excited.
Not bad.
Kinda makes u tink alot~
oh well
back to hell girl~

Anime~

2007-03-14T12:11:00.000+08:00

Oh sooooo sad~ nth to do today~ end up anime all day haha.

Bullshit!

2007-03-13T22:32:00.000+08:00

Watever it is.
Its bullshit.
Hey guys i'm back~
at last.
i am back.
seems like when i come back is scold.

Scold hu? Dun wan say. I am juz gonna face the wall n scold.
ZZZ

Purely dis is juz me. Scolding the wall. No one else.
bad mood u see.

Dam bitchy. The way it happened.
Dun wanna explain. End up. Like tat lo.
Juz not happi!
Argh!
Wtf!
BTH dis kind of att!
Wtf!
Argh!
ZZZ!
...!
HATE DIS KIND OF REPLY!
!@#$
HAISH

FUCK.

.....

2007-02-13T23:48:00.000+08:00

haish.
when i tink about it. i wan to read about it. but den i will offend people. so wat use is a blog for? if i write i die. if i dun write i oso die how?
not so simple.

muz tink about dis.
Anw.
Sorry here sorry dere. how many more sorries muz i give out.
how bad muz i feel b4 i feel ok?
how silly muz i feel b4 i feel better?
zzzz. snore snore snore....

Backwash of feelings: Guilty.

2007-02-13T23:45:00.000+08:00

ARGH! NOW FEELING GUILTY!
ZZZ

I AM SO SELFISH.
MUZ TINK MORE FOR OTHERS!

LALALALA~

MALU.

2007-02-13T23:34:00.000+08:00

Malu Malu.
Sibei Malu.
ZZZ.

I blame my over-confidence.

my first reentry into blog sux so bad!

I juz wanna hide my face.

From all the people hu told me advice.
zzz. i expected too much.
patou oso veri much harder.
OUCH.
now dam malu~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BTH!
malu malu malu!

nxt time. when i do dis kind of thing muz shhhhhhhhhh.
den i malu onli to myself. but i malu to everyone ar!
dam zzz.

now i juz feel frustrated.

!@#$..... HAISH....

haish.

2007-02-01T22:34:00.001+08:00

nothing to blog leh. boring day.
onli tat i have to study C&I lo.
zzz. boring days ahead.

still thinking too much but not explaining.

I wan to say something but i wun.

2007-01-26T00:16:00.000+08:00

Yeap wun say anything today.
I'm afraid of saying something stupid.
To make people feel bad.
or make people hate me more.

hungry. Both on the inside n outside~

2007-01-22T17:25:00.000+08:00

I am so hungry~ stupid test. make me hungry.
as of blog time, i am in the lab slacking~ juz finished my test though.
My mind is hungry~
My stomach is hungry~
today lunch n breakfast consists of a McMuffin, 5 machiam nuggets n a red bull -.-
so hungry~

?

2007-01-21T12:01:00.000+08:00

Guilty. Becoz of me. Things changed. Awkward. all over the place.

Maybe one day...

Finally.

I wun say too much. I may offend someone.

Affect me not.

2007-01-18T00:47:00.001+08:00

Hmph~

Morning dread.

2007-01-17T08:34:00.000+08:00

What happens when suddenly u lose ur voice so early in the morning. when i woke up, i felt the urge to juz go back to slp. but somehow, i juz edged myself to the end of my bed and said gd morning to the floor in the rudest of ways.

Feeling veri sickish. oh well. back to 'work'.

Murder of the mind.

2007-01-16T23:25:00.000+08:00

Its a crime.
To murder one's mind is to murder one's self.
Today was a rather carefree day.
Mjed for tat 2 hours.
came home n slp. slp it all off.
When i woke up, my first tgt was to study but no mood.
currently slacking the nite off. like waitin for something to happen.

I once again challenged my logic. my principles. my POVs.

It seems like i am veri discontented wif myself.

In a way, i felt like i have offended everyone.

So whats wrong? Dis qxn will stick with me for a long time.

Unreverse.

2007-01-16T08:45:00.000+08:00

Many atimes, we wish, prayed or even begged for time to juz go the other way. but time will nvr slow down, spd up or even stand still for u. let alone go back.

I ask myself why?

Why did u do that thing ytd?
I duno. Impulse at the most. It felt right at the moment.

If so, would u have chosen another way?
I would have. Overcome wif physical ill and mental stress, the outcome would almost be the same.

But still it was foolish.
Stop saying that.

Alright. What now den?
Doin what i have to do.

Isint dere something more u can do?
No. Dis is my place. i noe where i stand.

U realise tat somehow, somewhere it was the right thing to do. i dun mean that. i mean dis.
ah. i agree. sooner or later ba.

Human. U r juz being human. i see no fault in that.
Even so, it was silly.

No amount of self debate can get me to feel any better.
Dis is the 'best' i can feel now.
Time will wash away hatre.
Time will wash away sadness.
Time will wash away pain.

Ironic. While time moves, i stand still.

The Black Lust.

2007-01-15T21:13:00.000+08:00

I did something which i cannot take back.
Desperation drove me to wit's end.

What i felt was simple. Desperation.
At any point, at any angle, no matter how u look at it.
it seems desperate.
Imagine someone daoing u for a wk. Of coz, a certain desperation juz grew in u.
Yes. My tgts let dis thing grow. Hmph. Part of being an emotion based person.

This Thing. i wun say wat.
The thing i am suppose to do is just forget.
Forget it all.
Dam its not goin to be easy but still i have to do it.
Forgiveness? I wun ask for it.
Punishment? I felt like i juz received it.
Repent? Tats something i am waiting to do.

My existence is made of the people ard me.
I lost someone near n dear to me. fine. i.... accept it.
I lost a part of me.
In the past, i lost a few 'parts' of me.
I accepted those losses.
One day, i will accept dis loss but now...

I muz live thru wat i did.

I drove it to sadness.
I drove it to pain.

When i stare at whats behind me, i dun feel staring at anymore.

ADA. Fujitsu S6240.
Hull status: damaged. Base cracked.
Primary protocol functioning at 100%
Systems all go.

ADA. I'm sorry.

Thx hl for listening. Thx wk for helping me out.
I noe whatever i say wun help.
So i wun say anything.

Typical Day

2007-01-14T20:01:00.000+08:00

Well. It was a typical sunday.
Woke up at 11. slowly slowly got rdy for tkd.

den started waiting the bus at 1230.
dis is the zzz part.
waited for like 30 min. den the bus came. it was full! ZZZ.
den waited for another 10 min. den finally it came la.
den reach tkd at 130. late... haish
usual stuff

my jr say i look like a 21 yr old. ZZZZ Do i look so old to u?

anw. came home. now slacking.

I juz duno....

2007-01-11T00:54:00.000+08:00

Look. Anyone can tell i reli tried.
n still am trying la.
but i reli duno wtf is goin on?

dun dao me for no reason? plz?

zzz. i feel like i am toking to myself.

urge. control. resist.

2007-01-10T08:30:00.000+08:00

I have dis strong urge. to juz ask wat the fuck is wrong.
But am i too timid?
no.

the reason being i dun wanna rock the boat.
Somehow. its true that curiousity killed the cat.
But did the cat noe the risk b4 asking?
yes. it was a well calculated risk as always.
For the greater good?
no
For selfish desire.

the desire to noe wats happening.
is tat so much to ask?

Recurring.

2007-01-09T11:18:00.000+08:00

Its like a standard process for me. No matter wat i do. These tgts plague my mind.

Wrong place wrong time?

Something i said?

Something i did?

Eh clueless on this situation.
I should have been used to dis. but i am not.
Or maybe its wat shaun said: every lil thing adds up to the pt tat it explodes.
so wat izzit that happened?
or things tat happened?

maybe i suan too much?
maybe.....
maybe.....
its all clueless to me.

Bin Bin~ y so violent~ wan to slap bitches all of a sudden?
i noe wat u r trying to tell me.
to stand up to her.
haish. if onli u noe how i feel lo

Same Tgts Diff feeling.

2007-01-08T11:45:00.000+08:00

Somehow, i tink the same(overdoing it)
but den, when i tink of dis particular ting tat juz hit me, wun elborate, i still overdo it. as in my thinking n yet, i feel differently about it. its been a constant for awhile until i realised hey. its kinda silly. so wat for cont tinking. but the more i tell myself tat, the more i tink. the more i wan to tink. its a cycle. I juz cant stop.
Doubt filled my mind at first
den nxt feeling was anger.
den foloed by a void of emotions. the feeling whereby u juz wanna sit dere n blank out.
My life changed since u went away. i feel somehow lazy yet motivated.
Unchanged yet changed.
The most confirmed feeling though is dis void.

Haish Tgts.

2007-01-06T14:56:00.000+08:00

Wat i tink.
i duno reli....
my tinking time is spent mostly on wat to tink.
izzit deres nothing to tink about? or izzit juz tat my solutions r getting short.
i rmb b4, when i always calculated every step. every plan was intricate. veri well planned out. now its juz the main idea n the nxt line would be "it will work out somehow"
somehow it doesnt feel like myself.

izzit the change? I duno.
Something juz hit me real hard la.
i duno wanna tok about it. it sux.

Phew...

2007-01-04T14:53:00.001+08:00

Tired. tats all.

Oh~

2007-01-04T06:35:00.000+08:00

haha. Ytd took a ride in gj's lorry. honestly, That was my first time riding a lorry. however, it happened to be a very prolonged one.

Turns out that, gj wasnt veri gd wif the roads, so took many u turns and reverses.

Oh well. It was kinda cool to see ppl from another view, which is from the cargo area. lol.

so we went to simlim tower to buy components. At one point, i felt~~~ silly la.(after reflecting on it)
i went home n found myself filling sillier~
i realised tat ppl do need their space. so i kinda muz back off abit. alright. will do.
n the reason tat i am blogging so early in the morning was becoz my router went haywire(again) ytd. took some time to configure it again.

oh well. cyas~

Annual Meeting wif Old buddies.

2006-12-31T12:11:00.000+08:00

Well. first of all, i am back from a long absence of blogging~

I shall start wif ytd's happening's.

I mapled until ard 4. den went off to chuan kai's place to meet my childhood frens.
phew. Its been 17 years. From diapers till now. i still rmbing drinking milk wif them~
hmmmmm.
anyway. started to mj at 6. den breaked for dinner. after which, we cont to mj till ard 10. den decided to go for a movie. argh. i tell u. becoz of the stupid earthquake. we couldnt book online via credit card la. shesh. so mi n chinky took his dad's car to buy tickets at marina sq. -.- silly eh. but wat to do. kia no ticket mah. anyway. went back to (HQ). to pick up the rest. took a bus down to bishan n realised tat we missed the last train XD. Bo bian took a cab down to marina. den headed for cine. Watched NATM. again~ but hu cares. when the movie ended. it was ard 230.
lol. quite cool eh. long time nvr hang out wif them for dis long liao. so after the movie. jy n rq went back first. I went back to ck's place n played mj somemore. lol. the taxi driver was a veri interesting person. he laughed during the whole trip back la. quite a nice guy eh. hope deres more of dis kind of pppl ard. brightens up ur day. hehe. anyway, we mj-ed until 5am. den finally went home n sleep. lol.

hope to see them again. XD

wats wrong?

2006-12-19T00:22:00.000+08:00

i feel sad. a infinite amount of sadness over comes me as i tink of wat has happened. indeed life is like a roller coaster.

one time u feel like u r living the high life. the nxt, the g force pushes u back. u feel uncomfortable.
den u realise. dam. u r alredi at the bottom of it. feeling down n out.

well. wats wrong wif me? i'm suppose to feel gd. i suppose to feel alive. n yet, i feel tat, ppl ard me r failing me. like when i ask them out, its always no. when i try something, it nvr work out the way i wan to.

now. the problem is wat m i to do?

i am a person hu cannot juz sit here n do things alone. so how?

haiz.

i'm sad. a mop.

My agony. Your Misunderstanding,

2006-12-13T11:35:00.000+08:00

I dun noe wat to say. I noe i have been dealt 2 great blows.
One is tat she is goin to aus to study.
The second one is tat i juz lost my best gal pal.
I can onli feel my heart shattering. Over n over again.
In front of me, i see a distant desert. yet my will tells mi to go on. its kinda silly.
The first agony is quite obvious.
The second agony is a long built up unhappiness on her side.

Come lets begin.
The first day, i met her. i had a crush on her. It was silly.
Everyday i tried. I got pushed away. Eventually i turn my eyes away. But my heart, it was still dere. It was wif her. In a way, i grown attached to her as a brother. i felt compelled to be dere for her. Her reliance on me was comforting. So comforting, u can consider it to be a sort of an emotional pillar. Someone tat kept mi getting up. She was someone special in my heart.

after i got over her, we became great frens. i dare not say best frens becoz she wun tink tat way.
Despite all the fights. The constant bickering. I can even recall an incident. I got angry over she not wanting to tok to me in the bus. How i wish i understood earlier tat she wanted to be alone. How i wish tat she needed some space to herself. how i wish tat i knew wat to do. i didnt noe tat my presense was enugh. tat it was comforting to her. how i wish i understood tat earlier.

Anyway, our fights always boiled down to one thing: our misunderstanding.
I told myself. I will try myself to understand her. even if i dun, i will make do it wif it. she has her reasons. I will change myself to suit her. My resolve is iron. I will not give up.
But u see, recently, tat was our last fight. She told me: we cannot be close frens, juz frens.
I was n still am devastated. Heart spilt all over the floor. Juz as i was about to really try. REALLY change and not juz blame, i was cut off. Wat i am left wif is the choice. I duno wat to choose. i am indecisive.

I dun understand u. But i wan to.
My sincerity is dere. Feel it. take it.
Know tat i really wanna try.
I dun expect close frens to be made by juz knowing your name.
Nor izzit made in one day.
Understand my need. Understand my saddness.
For you to let mi try i understand u, i will give anything.

Sorry.

2006-12-12T18:57:00.001+08:00

Gomen...

Random Tgt.

2006-12-10T23:18:00.000+08:00

U noe wat?
Dis sux. Everytime i tink about it.
I feel like everyone around me is letting me down.
As in when they said they will do it, eventually, it didnt happen. So how m i to feel? I ask myself.
I dare say. My record for fullfilling my words is very strong becoz i dun like to get negative reaction from people.

So how izzit tat ppl dun fullfil their words nowadays?
When i say see first, it means 70% can.
When ppl say it, its actually a polite way of rejecting u.

now without any aid, i stand alone.
I cannot count on u anymore..........

i'm sorry.

I begin my journey of solitude.

Haiz.

2006-12-10T00:56:00.000+08:00

I ask myself.
If u dun wanna do it or have no interest in it.
would u go into it n ask about its details?

for me, no.

i mean for wat?

if u duno wanna do it y bother poking further.

its really weird la.

haiz.

Study Study,

2006-12-10T00:00:00.000+08:00

Haish.
Study study.
so sian la.

I duno y but it like as if dis feeling of disappointment follows me along.
Like a perpetual saddnes over come mi when i tink of dis.
haiz.

Reflect.

Tale untold.
Justice undone.
Hate remains.

The Devil grins.

Heart Spilt.

2006-12-08T20:24:00.000+08:00

I got a really bad heart spilt.
One on side its really happy. On the other its really confused.
actually more like disappointed.
On the happi side, it doesnt need explaination.
Those knows, knows.
On the other hand,
I have been feeling abit haish-ish becoz well, i have been trying to do some mending stuff. u noe... trying to get us together, do stuff together. but it seems like everything i try, get rejected. or i put too high hopes on watever it is tat i am hoping for. its not like i expect much. but when i heard anyone say something with some enthu-ness, i really believe tat they will do it. But recently, all my plans have been rejected. as in my offers, at first was answered with a certain degree of enthu. But then, the nxt day, they juz go soli juz dun wan to. I mean it really gets mi down eh. Maybe on my end, i expect too much. Or izzit tat i muz adapt my style abit. Even though i regard dis one as a close fren, i cannot expect everything to be a yes. N yes. I would understand if one is placed under tight circumstances like parents? or maybe Tired. Tat i can sympathise with. But always getting no no no. Its kinda frustrating and saddening at the same time. Haiz.

i duno wat to expect anymore. I dun even feel like trying to do anything. Becoz 95% of the time, it gets rejected in a veri unpleasant kinda way. The simplest of excuses such as "Oh i didnt say yes rite?", "I didnt promise u anything." or "I said see first remember?" makes mi feel like i shouldnt keep my word so often. Becoz quite a number of people are doin it.

The Grinning Devil Shows No Remorse.
The King's plight untold.
Scream.
Heaven's Anguish

Haiz.

2006-12-08T14:26:00.000+08:00

Haiz. Exams are coming.
Superposition n thevein theorem still havent learn yet.
maths oso abit lost. y? no maths texts la.

oh~~~
yes fryous noes alot of things eh.
hehe today learnt how to bypass the block in the nyp net
:D
so cool.
n ytd stupid fryous send mi gore images at 12mn. tmd!
oh dis gore images are from the yishun mrt accident.
yes yes. first time see real muliated body.
lol.

stupid la. ppl r committing suicide via mrt train la.
so stupid. u wanna die dun affect others leh. end up alot of ppl late for work la.
shesh.

oh well.

my heart is smiling. u noe hu u r :D

lol.

2006-12-07T22:35:00.000+08:00

Today went out wif the guys.
too much to write.
i ate too much.
seoul garden.
pool.

long time nvr see them. its cool to see them again.
oh well. back to work.

Ouch~

2006-12-06T21:52:00.000+08:00

Oh~~~~
my heart pain~~~~
poked 4 times liao
1. XXXXXXXXX
2. XXXXXXXXX
3. Superposition
4. Thevenin

Wat a day.

2006-12-06T19:27:00.000+08:00

ok today.
lessons as usual.
den waited for my 2 mei mei at yck mrt.
end up onli meeting hui min.
den travelled down to city hall. waited for ar mun.
these 2 ar... always late so it was my miscalculation to turn up earlier.
ate at pizza hut. sat n tok to them about almost everything.

den ar mun called huzi using my hp.
lol. huzi tgt tat i was dating her. LOL.
Anyway, after tat we walked around the place, i wanted to look for a new ring to replace my old one. but den too bad. no time had to rush back for cs tok. instead i ended up buying a notebook. now i dun have an excuse not to do work liao.rofl.

ok. went for cs tok. haiz. abit disappointed in somethings. i shalt elborate.
oh well. muz learn to forgive n forget. tiny matter anyway.

ok shall sign off here

Omg.

2006-12-05T10:18:00.000+08:00

Boredom!
Tmd. ytd night. no show. working was a bore. wif 2 lil monkeys disturbing me, working was a rather difficult ting to achieve. Instead, i lazied around.
den ar. i decided to play maple again -.-
the new world of delphinus. zzz. tat was how bored i was.
i played
mage.
warrior.
dit.
now its time for bowman.
yes yes den my maple exp will be complete.
the pinnicale of stupidity.
Ytd recap:
skipped jacktan.(first time)
end up eating brunch wif del and teaching her 1222.
den in 1225, stupid banana chua make me redo my pcb board juz becoz of a stupid component overlapping.
nxt was prog. waliew. not saying anything about it.
den today. as in now, the onli gd thing worth mentioning is
boon. wearing his yellow long sleeve tee.
looks like modern bruce lee. BOON LEE. ok lame. hes missing his yellow pants.
tats all.
oh well.
will blog later

Demoralised

2006-12-03T00:30:00.000+08:00

ZZZ. STUPID COM PROG PROJ.
i have no clue on wat to do for it la.
stupid cher nva give us B&W instructions.
haiz.

oh well.
Study~ Study~

nothing to blog~

2006-12-01T00:02:00.000+08:00

Today sch.
Wss.
Meet bert.
Gym.
Mac.
Home.

i dun feel like blogging.

Huh? Weird tgts.

2006-11-28T00:02:00.000+08:00

If i said 1000 sorries.
If i bought 1000 of presents.
If i kneeled for 7 days 7 nights.
If i cried until i can cry no more.

would it be enugh for u to forgive me?

would u stop treating mi like ur enemy?

would u stop hating me?

even though i may seem happi. I m not.
Hiding the impeding sadness. The regret. The hollow.
How i wish to juz try one more time.

Phew~

2006-11-26T23:42:00.000+08:00

Grading~
nxt wk oso grading~
nxt wk better. Can knock someheads :D

Anyway.
Wat brings u down?
Defeat?
Stress?
Friends?

If its defeat,
you onli need to become stronger.

If its stress,
calm your mind b4 taking on anything.

if its friends,
renew your broken promises.

Even if you r the onli one you can rely on,
Take pride and shout out.

thats the 'you' i keep inside my heart.

......

Driven to madness.

2006-11-24T20:54:00.000+08:00

Ignore him.
Dun tell mi things i dun understand.
Is tat suppose to be funny?

n many other cold one liners.

haiz.

dis is how jialat i feel.
dis is how i feel rejected.
dis is how i lost my pride.
dis is how i picked my steel again.

haiz wat to do.

OMG BERMONSTER~~~

2006-11-23T22:39:00.000+08:00

First, let mi intro u to the BERMONSTER!
It includes:
55 scoops ice cream of your choice.
3 whole bananas
waffles alot~
brownies alot~
Topping of your choice(CHOCO FUDGE)

Oh yea~ Dis baby will kill u~
Super sinful.

Ok enugh of the BERMONSTER.

Lets see. after sch, went bugis.
buy parts for Freecycle.
Half the class went to buy components.
zzzz. muz make a second rd.

anyway. Den went to do birdday party preparations.
afterwards. stupid chidam lead us all on a stupid ring shop chase. chase until leg pain la. den he said shop not dere anymore.. zzzzzzz. sian la.

ok den ltr met bert n his fren, patrick for casino royale. b4 tat, we ate B&J. WAAAA
B&J ROX! MUZ GO AGAIN! LOL! BERMONSTER!!!! RAWR!
okok.

Casino Royale was a lame show. laugh until siao.

ok tats all ba. see ya nxt time

(No name post)

2006-11-22T08:10:00.000+08:00

I cant think of a title for this post. So i'm gonna let it juz pour out since in the morning, i have alot of energy n all.

U see rite. I feel that this is the last straw. No matter what i try to think. Its the end.
Like someone told me:
Boat reach jetty auto straight. yeap.
u noe hu r :D

so my pt is.. i guess dis is goodbye.

thx for everything.

Burden

2006-11-21T22:08:00.000+08:00

I see the world without burden. I see it as somehow a free man. A person hu felt a burden lift off his shoulders. I smiled better. For once, I smiled becoz i was happy. Not becoz someone else is happi.

Yet. in the deep part of my heart, i dun wanna let go. but i have to. its the best for me. for the ppl ard me...

I lost friend.

2006-11-20T19:52:00.000+08:00

Ladies n gents. I lost a fren. well, i saw it coming.
The constant fights.
Now she has a bf.
Well, tats the end of my part.
all dis while, i didnt realised tat i was used and abused. Its so painful...to see tat my effort n time wasted. Not as in tat the effort spent in making tat kind of relationship but the effort in keeping her as a fren.

oh well.

on my part, it was miscalculations and over eagerness.
on her part,one word: bitch. tats all.

i spoke to a great fren. he let mi see the light. thx.

Voices.

2006-11-20T01:34:00.000+08:00

In my head, as i laid flat on the ground. A voice echos. Its familiar. It sounds like annling...
I pictured her face. Her smile. She speaks:

Xinghao. Dun give up. Its not like you. U came dis far for naught? No. of cuz not. my brother is strong. Veri strong. Tats y hes my gan ge.

Yes. For you. I will stand again. no matter wat i feel.

Thx u. go.

yes.

wif tat, i stood again.

after 3 years, her voice is still a source of persistency. my source of strength. Sim Ann Ling. Tat name is eternally carved into my head.

Ann ling. I thx u where ever u r.

Decisions decisions.

2006-11-20T01:16:00.000+08:00

Think Think. Dis sux.

I muz overcome my mind's truth.
I muz overcome the heart's turmoil.
I muz overcome the fear tat impedes my movement.

For those causes, I will persist.

Mind.

2006-11-20T00:01:00.000+08:00

The mind is a powerful weapon. Its the weakest and the strongest part of an individual.
At its strongest, nothing cannot be accomplished.

Yet at its weakest, it is the downfall of many.

The mind... its influenced by watever that happens. The power of the mind is determined by your resolve. Once harden, its the most powerful weapon. Said to be able to do things impossible. If theres a way to harden this resolve, is to look at the positives.

Well, for one thing, i wun give up. For me, its not an option. To give up, is to be weak. I wish to never give up on this matter. To me, its too precious.

Then let it be in my favour. My favour to overcome.
Take it as a plead to the almighty one.

Harden.

Clear Mind. Clear waters.

2006-11-19T12:04:00.000+08:00

U noe its been a long time since i had a chance to sit down n think calmly about my life. In a way, it means reflecting on life. Looking at yourself as a whole. My past. My present. My future.

When i look at the sea, i see waves. Crashin in n out. I see people walk by. Making footprints on the sand. Scaring the beautiful coast. but u see, mother ocean washes it all away. Making it a new. But of coz somethings cannot be written off. Even so, the ocean persists no matter wat. at times,the currents hit softer y? tired maybe. at times, she goes harder wif more heart than ever. So, when i look at dis, i feel that i had been goin about my problems the wrong way.

I presented my heart's turmoil to her, she smiled. in turn, she made mi smile as well. I saw the error of which i did things. i saw the wrong in my thinking. I saw tat i did too little... too slow...

Nothing bad can come bad from watching the coast. nothing :)

Ubin trip.

2006-11-18T21:52:00.000+08:00

Dis morning woke up at 830. den prepared to go ubin. den went on the bus 109. met del on the way in. den ard 11 reached changi. waited for the rest to arrive. yj woke up late. so mi n del ate prata while waiting for them. den after they arrived, waited for them to eat their chix rice. den took the boat to ubin. den rented a few bikes and cycled around... den eh alot of things happened. sl n hl fell. ***************. den wk bicycle spoilt.
well, i cannot blog much. got a bloody headache.

Useless feeling.

2006-11-17T10:20:00.000+08:00

I feel useless. How many times? How many minutes? How many hours? How many days?
I'm not sure.
its as if i lost alredi. i feel veri lost like the maze of my own mind.
I'm tired. Tired of doin dis over n over again. I need some kind of plan.
something to overcome dis big hurdle. Its not an academic hurdle. Its an emotional hurdle.
My problem is the pessimistic thinking: Always the worst. Nvr the best. Why izzit tat no matter wat i try or do, it always backfires on me. Like u noe. A missle 90 degrees. Letting it run out of fuel n den juz drop back on u. how silly is tat. Maybe i am overdoing it. maybe i am goin about dis the wrong way. I duno... I cannot tink str. Dis illness has taken over. Paranoia... The inability to see the truth, but onli the mind's truth. In my mind, everything n everyone is against me...

Hesitate or Action? That is the ting tat plagues my mind.

It seems like i am alot like my mum. Paranoid. Inherited? maybe? or izzit becoz of my environment? I duno... I blow myself wif rhetorical qxns. Inquiste the loyality of great frens. Doubt the logic tat has kept mi alive n well for so long. Izzit my time to go? Its been fun. but it looks my time is about to come...

Paranoia

2006-11-17T06:39:00.000+08:00

Paranoia. Its creeping up on me. Its getting worst n worst. I feel tat as this condemned state of mind reaches its end, my sanity grows weaker. What happened? All started with her. Now it spreads. I gonna lose my frens veri soon if i do not curb dis illness. I feel that i alredi lost some of them. I'm sorry.

I know that dis feeling is unfound. But yet i cant help but let it flow thru me, taking over my tgts, my actions.... my emotions.

dis paranoia has made me a very lousy person, an even lousier fren.
I cant take this anymore. I am implementing extreme measures to curb dis sick twisted domination.

I reek of paranoia. I know yet i cant do nuts about it. Its driving mi to the end.

Ranthings. thinkins.again.

2006-11-16T18:02:00.000+08:00

U see dis is wat u get for having too much time on your hands.
ok lets start.

first n foremost. My heart pain. People think broken heart is veri painful but ar. The worst is heart pain. b4 the heart breaks, all the pain is kept in. tats when it hurts the most...
ok tats enugh.

now on to real things.
heart pain y?
One of my buddies called me irritating. tat reli sux. its as if i reli wronged her or something. i feel dam sad becoz of it.

nxt. this gp of fren alienated me alredi. it is as if tat side of the world is on her side.
................................................................................................................................................

haiz.
heart pain.

Feeling left out.

2006-11-15T23:28:00.000+08:00

i am not veri sure why but i feel veri left out by a gp of frens. Maybe becoz she is angry at me.
Everytime they do something, they dun call mi or anything. it makes mi feel like... i am alien to them.
Its not exactly a problem but everytime they dun ask mi along, i feel more alienated.
Sure. i got my group of frens but no one ask mi out den i wun go along lo. its tat simple. n yet i am somehow expected to juz go wif them without invitation.

I guess becoz after a long time, dis happens ba. U feel as if tat gp of frens like dun need u ard anymore.

People always say tat i need things to spelt out for me. well reinvitation is tat bad eh?
zzz its not tat tough la... tats wat i tink eh.

oh well another time.

Rantings. Thinkings.

2006-11-15T17:54:00.000+08:00

Well. while i was doin work ytd, i tgt about wat happened. well, i realised tat when i help someone, i dun expect anything in return. well, at least not something materialistic. For this tgt, i impose dis qxn: Why do we help out people?

Well, everyones' reasons are different. For me, when i help someone, probably becoz
1. s/he asked for it.
2. s/he needs it(by looking at the situation)
3. s/he is a fren.

I guess its kinda obvious rite. Wat i expect in return is ur friendship. tats all but it seems like i seen more as an enemy rather than a friend. Tats y i am so sad. Maybe i expected too much. maybe its juz my imagination. if it is den y izzit i am in such a sad situation?

i wonder....

Another bad news. Mum is on paranoia mode. zzz... hate it.

A new life policy

2006-11-15T09:42:00.000+08:00

I tink its time to develop a new policy.
The dun ask dun tell policy.
Even though its kinda anti social policy but i feel tat its time to adopt.
I feel that i speak too much and listen too little.
tat kinda sux

Duno number wat entry.

2006-11-14T17:21:00.000+08:00

Shes a bitch~ Hes a leech.
Hes a noob shes a boon.(not boon kiong)
So eh. in the end. its dis song tat shaun sang juz a few sec ago. look i'm bored.
bloggin like siao.

lol~

Dark side.

2006-11-14T16:06:00.001+08:00

when was the last time anyone felt hate? let mi see... define hate anyone?
ok nvm. i ask the dictionary.
hate means:

1.	to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.

2.	to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.

–verb (used without object)

3.	to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.

–noun

4.	intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.

5.	the object of extreme aversion or hostility.

So lets tink about it.
Hate = intense dislike.
hmmm in a way, isint hate a evolved more intense ver of dislike.
if one has read the joy luck club. One of the chars said:
Hate is the result of wounded love.
Most of the time, it is true. becoz i have seen many cases. from a crush. den the crush mistreats the guy. den the guy will turn to hatre. sure. hate is a strong word. but i'm sure at some pt of time, u will hate something or someone. For most people, generally they hate backstabbers and liars. zzz. dun they noe tat lying is still in themselves. They hate liars. I mean we all lie. its true whether u like it or not. dun tell mi u have nvr ever told a lie b4. its kinda sickening to say i have nvr lied b4. my pt is we do tings tat made us detest ea other.
so how izzit tat we stay frens?
how izzit tat we still smile at ea other geninuely?
ea of us has a dark side.
i find myself disappointed time n time again becoz of the way i carry myself.
Its not exactly something i am reli proud of but its in my blood. makes me sick...

Seriously wigged out tgts

2006-11-14T10:21:00.000+08:00

a fren told me tat shes seriously trying to push me away. Even though i am proned to tinking too much. i feel that it might have been true.

but on the other hand, if i tink about it. den y izzit tat time n time again tat deres always the patch back. its kinda silly eh. Well. it seems that live is reli like a roller coaster. theres the ups n downs. It seems like as soon as u feel the goin up motion. your happiness is shortlived by the sudden drop. The rush, the spiralling into the bottom. So in my eyes, i have reached the bottom of the roller coaster waiting for the time when the momentum picks up. Where the ride is slow but calming. oh well.

i am in sch. supposingly listening to lecture. but eh its kinda know it before. so i cant be bothered wif watever she is teaching me. zzz

Libra

2006-11-14T00:36:00.000+08:00

In case u do not noe. i am a libra.
so i decided to read up libra. lets see.

good:
Diplomaitic and urbane
Romantic and charming
Easygoing and sociable
Idealistic and peaceable

bad:
Indecisive and changeable
Gullible and easily infuenced
Flirtatious and self-indulgent

hmmmm.... well. i ask myself. the info is accurate to about 80%.

The symbol associated with your sign is the scales of balance
representing the balance that you continually seek in your self and your life. The scales were also
adopted by our judicial system to symbolize a balance of fairness in the law which is emphasized by 'blind justice' holding them.

however...

Likes
* The finer things in life
* Sharing
* conviviality
* Gentleness

Dislikes
* Violence
* Injustice
* Brutishness
* Being a slave to fashion

I cannot agree with the violence. since i am a rather violent person. Eh the rest of the dislikes is so so onli ba.

well tats my midnight blog entry for u.
nite~

pain

2006-11-13T18:58:00.000+08:00

I am feel veri sad. Heartbroken to be exact. today i shall hide nothing.
Look. let mi ask anyone of u. Izzit wrong to show concern for a fren? Izzit wrong to ask wats the matter when s/he feeling off?.

well, apparently dis way of thinking is quite outdated becoz i was called irritating for showing concern. Seeing someone everyday, does it make u feel taken for granted?
Correct me if i am wrong. But deres suppose to be a balance in the give n take rite. even so, i felt like i was giving n giving. sure. Some form of return will come back. Be it a thx, be it a smile. watever. but after tat, tat empty feeling. i believe ppl hu help alot becoz they give u dis sense of satisfaction. dis sense of completion. like you r one step closer to heaven. in a way.

Back to pt. I feel like crap. Crap beyond believe. I noe its selfish but every once in a while i would like some kind of repayment. Its kinda like at the end of it all, its all worth it. But the more i try, the more i get diss-ed.

Am i overdoing it? Tell me someone. I reli want to noe...
If a buddy daos u. den nvr tells u the reason. Dun tell mi u dun wanna noe wats goin on. dun tell mi u can juz let it slide. dun tell mi sooner or later u dun wanna noe wats happening. Its kinda against human nature. My nature if u will.

Someone tell mi my problem. Tell mi if being concern = irritating. If asking your buddy if s/he is feeling alright, den i am a irritating bastard. not worthy of your frenship. how ironic. One hu hates nothing. Hates me. Am i so detestable. Izzit tat i am spawned from the lowest form of discomfort?

Most of all, i am being used. yes cuz. i noe u will say tat. i feel tat... its becoming clearer... Shes still my buddy... tat i hope nvr have to lose her...

2006-11-12T01:09:00.000+08:00

long day. so i gonna take awhile. today tkd torna. woke up at 530. den changed into torna official uni. white shirt. blue tie. black pants. black court shoes. den dad send mi to henry park. around 7 reached dere. den all of the officials gathered to be assigned duties. i was to usher the participants into the ring for pattern events. kinda lame job but eh juz do it la. den ltr had lunch wif the other officials funny ppl they r. alot of seniors i hadnt seen in a long time. Jasmine for one. lol tats all i rmb. anyway, nxt was the sparring events. I did timing keeping, anouncements, etc. generally keep the event rolling. If onli i threw the baton fast enugh. the baton is thrown into the ring when the ref doesnt hear the time up whistle. the baton is a hard long yellow stick. gd enugh to whack someone uncon. So, dere was a bounty list and all of the chief ref had bounties on their head. lol. quite. the ref were too fast b4 i could throw the baton.

Den my ring finished early. The umpires and admin decided to play red flag blue flag. lol. childish game. test your listening skills n reflexes. so eh. helped pack up the mat for about 1 hour+ den went to city hall with chinky to eat dinner at LJS. catch up with him about stuff.

Den ltr went to the station to meet bin. den she was still at orchard. so i took the train down to meet her n her fren. Well, somehow i am a fussy person but theres like 2 girls. their oppinions differ from mine. oh yes i bought a shirt n a long sleeve tee. quite happi wif it. bin chose it for mi though.

So i didnt mind. Den at 9, the girls had their dinner. By tat time, my feet were killing me. had to tahan the pain until all the way home.came home wif tired feet.

oh yea will sign off here

2006-11-09T01:10:00.000+08:00

if i ask for ur love? would it come? would make a diff?
:)

Words of wisdom.

2006-11-01T14:33:00.000+08:00

Ok. since its 2:27 wif nothing to do.
i guess i will tell a story. Although the moral of it is quite backwards thinking but i find it rather interesting.
In china quite awhile back. Dere was dis ordinary girl. she was 14. One day, her mum told her tat shes no longer a girl but a woman. In becoming a woman, she cannot do play like a child. she can onli obey n take orders from the male of the family. She felt sad n started to cry. Her mother den got angry n scolded her,"aiya. Women dun cry. They r strong. They swallow their own tears." The child had a choice, she bit her lips and stopped her tears.

Later that nite, she went to the pond and saw a turtle under a rock. She looked at it swim. She started to cry n looking at how carefree the turtle is. When her tears touched the water, the turtle surfaced and ate her tears. The girl didnt notice dis at first. When she noticed the turtle eating her tears, the turtle spoke,"I haven eaten your tears. I noe your sorrow. But i must warn you. If you cry, your life will always be sad."

The turtle den opened his beak and out poured 6 eggs. They broke open and from them, emerged magpies. magpies are birds of happiness. The birds den bend over and began to drink greedily. The girl tried to capture one. They all rose up, beating their wings into her face and flew up, laughing.

The Turtle den spoke again," now u see. Why izzit useless to cry. Your tears do not wash away your sorrows. Your tears feed someone else's joy. and thats y u muz learn to swallow your own tears."

i noe its quite an outdated story but i feel tat its kinda interesting.

Ok. back to life. Well, since ytd morning, shaun got his finger stuck in my ring. Well he tried to use soap. he went home tried the tools to break it open. But dis morning no improvement. so today he went to the jeweler to have it pry open. LOL. For me, its easy come easy go since the ring was found. plus its reli a gd laugh lolol. oh yes shaun said at 5:29pm tuesday. If your finger is cold, go play dota. yeap. senseless comment wif no link though. but i promised to blog it. haha. m still laughing at his plight.

Hate... is just the result of wounded love. lol.

Silly Tgts

2006-10-30T16:25:00.000+08:00

Ok today i am frustrated in ways i do not understand. so ar i became violent. started whacking ppl up. its a rather unhealthy way of releashing stress and all but its like i want to whack up my frens. it feels like i have no choice. the anger juz come out whenever somethign triggers it. i muz learn how to control my temper again. my rage. my unfound hatred.

Mediate on dis. It is a must. One day, i may end up losing all my frens. the power to refrain is being diminished every second. i muz veri well relearn how to control.tats the way ba. ok i in cls lol.

will blog ltr. cya

Long one bear wif it

2006-10-30T00:25:00.000+08:00

I have done it. Well alot of people dun tink tat i am capable of actually showing my anger as in physically like slamming hps. its sounds za bor-ish but i guess when guys are pissed they do it too. so right i guess dis entry for the ppl i have whined for the past few days. u see rite. everyone has a limit. in her eyes, it may be nothing. but to me yes... it means alot. bad att. constant asking of favours. the feeling of being taken for granted. i noe i am sensitive.tats y i need ppl to reconfirm my doubts and uncertainies. so ar. thx ar to those ppl. at least u guys r dere to listen.

yes.dis wk i was plagued wif doubt n frustration. anyone wif eyes can see tat i was throwing my anger ard. nobody tgt tat i would hang up on her. its simple: Terry has a limit. so dun cross it.seriously. i like to crap.yea tats gd. plz dun gimme att or face without reason leh. its kinda saddening since i juz wanna laugh wif u be ur fren. honestly i do. but ar when u suddenly turn face. its kinda sad lo juz saying ba.

anyway, i goin to be an umpire at the upcoming tornament. Master caterer too. if u muz noe, its actually jaga food onli. say until so cool but its a simple job. its cool. first tkd tornament i became an official. but muz wear formal. blue pants white long sleeve blue tie court shoes. zzz etc. its held 11 nov sat. full day ting.

ok late liao. enugh.

bad day.

2006-10-26T19:08:00.000+08:00

What a bad day. I am so sick of it. i wanna apologise to the foloing ppl:
1.loon for hitting u for no reason
2.shaun for whacking harder than usual
3.chidam for whacking.
4.hl for spamming smses.
Sincerely sorry. i was feeling rather !@#$ about something. if u need an explanation. plz look for me. i not blogging about it. it makes me !@#$%^. so tats all.

Deathnote today!

2006-10-24T22:39:00.000+08:00

wa. today watched the much antipated deathnote. yes its veri cool but way both sides hack ea other wif wits instead of bullets or swords for a change. Dam cool la. But ar nxt time i see someone toking to himself... i muz not laugh at him/her. ltr toking to a death god oso duno. ok ar. den eh today ar. nothing special juz yap yap until mouth tired. i dare not go into mic's blog ltr i see L L L L L L L L L ar. den i go Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z. yeap. n ar ppl plz tag when u come in. trash my board plz. thx u all every much.

kick ur asses